No BS affirmations singletons need to remember

Listen up single people; we’ve all been there. We’ve had days where we know being single is awesome and we value our independence and freedom and we have days where we drown ourselves in a pool of our own tears because shit, why are we single and why won’t anyone love us?

I’m definitely one of those people. I spend more time embracing singledom than I do worrying about not having someone to love and to look after me and cuddle me when times get rough. But even though I’m happy with my single status, sometimes I need to remind myself that being single is all good in the hood. More often than not, we’re single because we choose to be! So before you wallow into your pillow and tuck into a huge tub of Ben and Jerry’s, I’ve compiled a list of no-bull affirmations to remind you that hey, single is actually okay.

You’re not going to be single forever

No, I’m not saying this just to make you feel better about your current situation. You WILL find someone when you’re ready. Hell, you’ll probably find someone when the last thing you want is to find your perfect match! I’m a firm believer of there being someone for everyone and right now, you may not have someone but that someone will turn up and you’ll be like “OH HEY YOU’RE MY SOMEONE” and then you’ll remember this post and be like “OH THAT PERSON WAS RIGHT”. I love happy endings.

You can be selfish and look out for number one guilt-free

It’s important to always look out for number one – no I don’t mean partners, I mean you. Being single is good for the soul because you can be selfish and do things for only you. You don’t have to factor someone else’s’ thoughts and opinions into your decisions; the only one that matters is yours.

Want to buy that Louis Vuitton bag? Fucking do it. Want to stay out with your girls until 7am in the morning and make poor decisions and wind up waking up in some hotties bed? Who’s gonna stop you? Want to dye your hair fluorescent green? YOLO dude, YOLO.

The point is you don’t have a significant other to influence your decisions. You’re making decisions for you. Besides, you end up learning more about yourself, what makes you tick, have a stronger sense of self and end up being completely self-relient which is very sexy might I add. These are very important qualities to have, not just as a single person but for when you’re in a relationship as well.

And besides, you can order all the foods and enjoy it yourself without having to share with the other person… most important point…

You could be in a relationship if you wanted to

And you know I’m right. You could download Tinder or Badoo or OkCupid, hit people up with some smooth pick up lines, go on a few dates and presto, suddenly you’re in a thing. Long or short term, the point is you’re in a thing.

But you’re not. You know why? Because you don’t want to be. Because you don’t want to lower your standards or make compromises because you know your self-worth. Better yet, you’re still trying to work it all out so until you do, you’re just going to stay single. And hey, that’s totally okay.

Relationships are HARD

And that’s the reality of it. We ALWAYS see the good parts of relationships, whether it’s in rom-coms, sitting in the theatre or at dinner next to a loved up couple or even when we’re at work and our co-workers give us the 4-1-1 on all the romantic things their partner’s done for them.

DON’T DESPAIR. Deep down you know it’s not all smooth sailing and it takes a lot to keep a relationship afloat. You gotta take the good with the bad. When you’re single, you’re investing your emotions and energy on yourself, your family and your friends and let’s be honest, sometimes that’s more than enough. So embrace your somewhat free time while you can because as soon as you get into a relationship, you know it’s going to take a lot out of you.

And just think about the time your best friend and their partner were fighting over something petty and then they tried to get you involved and you’re like HELL NO and then you bolt and then think to yourself “thank fuck i’m single”. Or the time you had to comfort your friend because their partner was out drinking and didn’t tell them and they’re currently experiencing trust issues? Yeah, just keep hold of that memory. Here’s a lil lol for you:

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Good things take time

This is applicable to so many things, not just relationships. It’s important that we don’t just settle for the sake of settling. It’s also important that we take the time to look at ways to get to know ourselves and love ourselves. Because it’s true what they say: how can you love and appreciate someone else when you can’t even love and appreciate yourself?

Take the time to cultivate and nourish yourself before you commit to cultivating and nourishing someone and something else.

So there you have it people – my no BS affirmation list for singletons. Hopefully you found it useful. Little reminders are so important! I know my single friends definitely need these reminders from time to time and it’s totally okay.

If you’ve got something else to add to the list, I encourage you to do so as I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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… cheese I know but dat accuracy dough…

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The tale of online dating and I

In a previous post, I mentioned I’ve been single for about three years now.

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I guess that’s a while but I was seeing someone for about a year in that time. We weren’t ‘officially’ dating so I was technically still single but we weren’t seeing anyone else. I guess some people would debate that that means I wasn’t single the whole three years but I’m not going to go into the technical details of what’s considered ‘official’ and bla bla bla…

Before I met this gent, like most single adults, I decided to try online dating. I started off with a site called Badoo cause I was too chicken shit to try Tinder. Badoo is kinda like OkCupid but I was told AFTER I started using it that it’s for people who want nothing more than a shag.

Let’s get one thing clear – I wasn’t sure of what I was looking for. I just wanted to meet people and not be in anything serious. However, if it became serious then I would ride the wave and see what happens. I was just going to be open-minded about the whole experience.

Then I deleted my account and evolved to Tinder, where I made it a personal mission to hit 1,000 matches for lols. Tinder was one hell of an experience. I met so many people. It was interesting. I went on many dates and yes there were one night stands.

The meeting up part is always the hardest; particularly if you’re really getting along with them then you meet them and they’re not like you imagined them to be or they do things that sort of annoy you. Or if you’re shallow like me when it comes to height, they disappoint in that department by not being more than 5’10. I met this Irish dude and he was about my height. I’m a shortie at 5’2. Yes, I was disappointed. Even more disappointed when he was really boring too. I ended the date in 15 minutes.

You also meet some real characters. This guy told me a story he claimed “you would really enjoy” and it was about how he came home really drunk one night and passed out outside his bedroom door in his boxers and his stepdad had to wake him up and turns out his balls were hanging out. Firstly, why did he say I would enjoy this story and secondly, why did he whisper the word “balls”?! There was no need. It would’ve been a funny story if he were a bit more casual in the delivery department! I ended up making eye contact with this cutie at the bar and we smiled at each other and had a moment before I reminded myself I was on a disastrous date with a guy and needed to stop checking out other guys to compensate for lack of connection.

Then there was this other guy who told me I reminded him of his ex in terms of looks and personality. He said she was great (wonderful!) but she destroyed him and stomped on his heart (not so wonderful!). Then he said he was hungry but didn’t want to eat if I wasn’t eating. I’m sorry I ate before I left for the date given I thought we were going to just have coffee. In the midst of his hunger tantrum, I agreed to have a milkshake. I didn’t even want the fucking milkshake. Then he wanted to drive me home despite me saying, “no thanks, I’ll walk” many times. Anyways, he dropped me off a few houses down from my place and then turned off his engine as soon as we got there. Um excuse me? I told him I was tired and I was going to go straight to bed (I didn’t realise this excuse was far from believable until I saw the time: 8pm). He begrudgingly said it was okay and asked for a kiss. I said I’d rather not and I’ll see him next time. I waited for him to leave before I ran back home. I never saw him again. There are many more stories to share but I’m not going to bore you with them.

I’ve tried OkCupid as well. Haven’t met anyone on there. To be fair, I only go on when I’ve got messages. I recently downloaded Tinder again and I’m still trying to figure out why. The conversations I have are quite stagnant and to be honest, I’m not actually looking for anything. Not even a shag. Why you may ask? Well, I’ll save that for another post.

I had quite a relaxed, YOLO attitude towards meeting people in person. I wanted to give them a chance and more often than not, I would leave disappointed. What was I doing wrong? Is there a process I should be following to ensure success? I mean I’m a pretty chilled and open-minded person! If you don’t believe me, look:

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Only a chilled, open-minded person would pose like that in front of a cow sign.

Anyways, I was so, so close to giving up when I actually met someone.

I’m not here to rubbish the experience I had with online dating. I actually met some incredible people as well – some who I consider friends and still talk to and some I couldn’t be with because of circumstances (yes I did fall for about three guys in my time of online dating). While it may seem like there’s a hell of a lot of people on these platforms wanting to ‘score’, there are definitely people on there who are genuinely looking for connection and well, love. I met quite a few blokes that actually wanted a relationship… but I didn’t. Well, not with them anyways.

While online dating is hard and can leave you with plenty of horror stories to share, I think singles should definitely give it a go. It’s an interesting experience and sometimes you do find a diamond amongst all the rocks. I’ve yet to find a diamond but then it’s not like I’m trying to find a diamond. In fact, I’m saving Tinder for when I go to the UK in hopes of finding a rock star OR a Scandinavian Norse God that’s 8-foot god knows. Yes, my expectations are realistic 😛

For now, my love life looks a little bit like this:

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And that’s totally okay!

Got any dating horror stories to share? I’d love to hear them!

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For those of you who are wondering, yes I did reach my 1,000 matches goal. I actually screenshotted it so I could send it to my mate to prove to him I could do it. What a retard.

 

A story about a girl and two(ish) boys

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Warning. This is not a happy story with a happy ending. I just thought I’d share with you what love is to me and when I say love, I mean that feeling you get when a girl meets a boy and yeah… not the family/friend/pet love that we all know and well, love.

When I was younger, I was convinced I was going to meet a boy (yes, one boy) who was going to sweep me off my feet and we were going to get married, live in a penthouse apartment, be a power couple forever and then die. Lol, forever and die in the same sentence. Reminds me of this henna stall at a festival that had a sign that read “temporary tattoos that last forever”. Anyways, yes my dream ends morbidly but such is life.

Anyways, I did meet a boy, I did think we were going to get married, he cheated on me, I didn’t cry and I forgave him, I spent three and a half years with him, realised I wasn’t happy and the last thing I wanted to do was marry a deceitful, cheating bastard, decided I deserved better from him and the life we had and then dumped him. Actually, this thing I found on the Facebook page Word Porn sums up the situation in the end:

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The sad part of my first relationship was realising that the real reason why I forgave him for cheating was because I didn’t think I could do better or find someone else who was going to love me. So I accepted the love I thought I deserved. It was a sad reality but I’m proud of myself for realising that that’s not the case at all and I deserve better.

After that relationship, I had a fantastic five-ish months of singledom then boom, I was in another relationship. Did I think I was going to marry this guy? Nah, but I was willing to give it a go. In a year and a half, we drank, got high, went out, moved down to Wellington together then I grew up. Unfortunately, he didn’t. It took me a while to end things because I was consumed by guilt since he came to Wellington because of me. But things weren’t getting any better… So I dumped him.

Three years later and I’m still single.

So my childhood dream of meeting a boy and everything ending up perfectly didn’t come true but I realised it’s totally okay. One of the fundamental things I’ve learnt from my two ‘failed’ relationships is that you need to love yourself before you can learn to love others. Oh, and there is such a thing as ‘finding yourself’ before deciding to settle.

Am I disappointed that I gave myself fully to two people and it didn’t work? Hell no. The thing is, I don’t regret the relationships I’ve had in my life because they actually made me stronger. Whether you want to admit it or not, it’s the experiences gained from being in crappy relationships that make you realise who you are, what you deserve and what you won’t tolerate. I tolerated cheating and I think cheating is the best example of disrespect.

So what did I learn about love and what does it mean to me? Cliché but love really is about respecting one another and respecting yourself. It’s about admiring one another and wanting to be better for them and for you.

Now in these three years of singledom, I’ve had some pretty interesting experiences with dating… but that’s for another blog post.

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So tell me, what is love to you?

Photo credit: dawnchapmanphoto. Seriously, check out her work. She’s fantastic!

Lessons from Father Jay

And no, I’m not talking about a priest, a pastor or a pope. I’m talking about my father and yes, I refer to him as Father Jay. Every time I say Father Jay, the first thing people ask is “oh is that your pastor?” no, not my pastor, just my father and yeah I guess sometimes he preaches.

He’s a thoughtful man although he can be the most impatient, angry person but he tries not to be and you know what, sometimes that’s all that counts. He’s very considerate even though he can be harsh and point out your flaws but sometimes you need someone in your life that does. How else are you supposed to better yourself if you don’t know your flaws?

I’m the type of person who actually enjoys being around their family and when I’m away for too long, I miss them. I rely on my father a lot and I’m not ashamed to say that he’s my rock. Sometimes it’s embarrassing how much I rely on him but I think most people will agree, your parents do give the best advice. Got a problem? Dad. Need to share some great news? Dad. Need to vent? Dad.

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Hell, when I wanted to end my first relationship (it was a three and a half year relationship!) I immediately drove to my dad’s at 11pm so I could talk it through with him. Bearing in mind, he goes to sleep at 10pm (usually) AND I wasn’t living with him. Anyways, he boiled the jug and listened to me while I blubbered and cried about not knowing what the hell I was going to do and gave me hugs. Every time I think of that moment, I get emotional.

It’s safe to say I’ve learnt a lot from my dad. I’ve never really thanked him or told him I appreciated him so dad, if you’re reading this, hello! And thank you for everything. Not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate you (and no I’m not saying this because I’m blogging!).

Let me share with you the top five things I’ve learnt from Father Jay:

  1. Always trust your gut because that funny feeling wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t meant to be there
  2. Confidence is very important if you want to go far (and if you lack in confidence, join Toastmasters! – yes dad I will join Toastmasters at some stage…)
  3. It’s okay to grieve when a big part of your life ends
  4. I’m hopeless when it comes to saving money
  5. It’s okay to be a weirdo (thanks for passing on your weirdness to me dad!)

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The deep end: Part Two

Scary situation #2

I’m going to sub-sub-head this ‘The Climb’. I think it’s worthy of a sub-sub heading because well, it was truly wonderful.

I woke up at 10.00am on a Monday off. I hopped in the shower (don’t judge me when you read on and realize maybe I should’ve just had a shower after, not first), put on my workout gear, packed my 1L bottle of water and raincoat into a daypack and headed out the door.

I was determined to climb up Mount Kaukau, which is the highest most visible point in the Wellington region. According to Wikipedia, it’s 445 meters above sea level.

Anyways, I parked up and made my way to the entrance of the park. I read the map, took a deep breath and went forward. While I knew EXACTLY what I was getting myself into, nothing prepared me for all the upward hills and stairs. Yerp, there were stairs.

Every corner I turned there were more and more and more stairs. I’m not going to lie, I felt like I was going to cry and give up more times than I could recite my ABCs repeatedly in 20 minutes (does this even make sense?). Oh and did I mention my calves were on fire because I went for a bit of an uphill hike a couple of days before and didn’t stretch? Yeah, that’s a thing.

Anyways, when I finally got to the top and there was a wide stretch of green with a picnic table and people lying on the grass, my god I can’t even begin to describe to you how happy I felt. I was so happy I actually started laughing. Yes that’s right, I was there by myself. And laughing. And as I continued to walk up, I continued to have a massive grin on my face.

I didn’t even care that all the people that passed me while walking up had already had their moment of bliss and were heading back down while I had just made it to the summit. It didn’t phase me one bit.

I was so happy. I soaked in the 360 views and spent a solid 5 minutes around every corner with a huge smile on face. I was truly taking everything in and I thought to myself, is this what true happiness feels like? Cause if it is, I bloody want more.

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It’s hard to believe that I was experiencing a once in a blue moon moment where I was truly happy and I was by myself. What are the odds! I smiled for a while longer and decided to keep walking rather than turn around because these treks usually take you back to your starting point right?

… Right?

I was pulled into continuing the trek by the hills and an inviting pathway. I kept walking and stopped to read a map and signs that said ‘Johnsonville this way’. Meh, it’s indicating Johnsonville is that way but it doesn’t mean it’s going to take you to just Johnsonville. Right?

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I kept walking… nearly stepped on dog poop and fell off the cliff because I just had to take an incredible photo. I drained my battery – from 99% it was sitting at 12%. Who cares? I won’t need it for anything other than photos.

IMG_1623IMG_1624 I just kept walking and walking and walking and suddenly, I was at an exit point. To Johnsonville. The opposite of where my car was parked.

Fuck.

Scary situation #3

Same day. Same place. I was in a cul-de-sac in the middle of fucking Johnsonville. Might I add, I know NOTHING about Johnsonville. I mean this was a place where my friend had to be google maps and guide me to Nandos (it’s a pretty small place kinda). For a place that’s literally a 10 minute drive from where I lived, I knew NOTHING. Like Jon Snow, I knew NOTHING.

So naturally, I checked google maps. Wahoo, 10% battery. Fuck. Google maps told me it was going to take approximately 30 minutes to get to my car. Okay cool, easy enough. With my dying phone and dying map and dying GPS. Screenshotting the map isn’t going to help, given by this time I was sitting at 5%.

I started walking through the wild ‘burbs until I got to a roundabout with a dairy in the corner. I decided I needed electrolytes or caffeine or just something. I bought a Loaded drink. Mm electrolytes.

Then my phone died. I kept following the main road, with my backpack, feeling like a right tourist and actually reading signs. To cut the story short, I made it to my car parked in Khadallah. It took me about 40-45 minutes (hard to tell when you don’t have a phone because it’s dead but judging by the approximate time of 2.35pm just before my phone died and it being 3.15pm or whatever from the top of my head).

I was so happy to see Georgie (my car) from a distance. I ran to her and hugged her like the true weirdo that I am. There was a couple sitting by the train station and I could feel their eyes piercing into my back. But you know what? Fuck them. They didn’t know my struggle. They didn’t have to endure what I had endured.

FUCK. THEM.

So in the space of one day, I:

  • nearly gave up
  • nearly killed someone/thing
  • nearly cried in pain
  • felt pure happiness and true bliss at the same time
  • loved life
  • felt content
  • felt assured
  • felt lost
  • felt nervous and anxious
  • felt relieved

I totally think I’m ready to travel alone.