No BS affirmations singletons need to remember

Listen up single people; we’ve all been there. We’ve had days where we know being single is awesome and we value our independence and freedom and we have days where we drown ourselves in a pool of our own tears because shit, why are we single and why won’t anyone love us?

I’m definitely one of those people. I spend more time embracing singledom than I do worrying about not having someone to love and to look after me and cuddle me when times get rough. But even though I’m happy with my single status, sometimes I need to remind myself that being single is all good in the hood. More often than not, we’re single because we choose to be! So before you wallow into your pillow and tuck into a huge tub of Ben and Jerry’s, I’ve compiled a list of no-bull affirmations to remind you that hey, single is actually okay.

You’re not going to be single forever

No, I’m not saying this just to make you feel better about your current situation. You WILL find someone when you’re ready. Hell, you’ll probably find someone when the last thing you want is to find your perfect match! I’m a firm believer of there being someone for everyone and right now, you may not have someone but that someone will turn up and you’ll be like “OH HEY YOU’RE MY SOMEONE” and then you’ll remember this post and be like “OH THAT PERSON WAS RIGHT”. I love happy endings.

You can be selfish and look out for number one guilt-free

It’s important to always look out for number one – no I don’t mean partners, I mean you. Being single is good for the soul because you can be selfish and do things for only you. You don’t have to factor someone else’s’ thoughts and opinions into your decisions; the only one that matters is yours.

Want to buy that Louis Vuitton bag? Fucking do it. Want to stay out with your girls until 7am in the morning and make poor decisions and wind up waking up in some hotties bed? Who’s gonna stop you? Want to dye your hair fluorescent green? YOLO dude, YOLO.

The point is you don’t have a significant other to influence your decisions. You’re making decisions for you. Besides, you end up learning more about yourself, what makes you tick, have a stronger sense of self and end up being completely self-relient which is very sexy might I add. These are very important qualities to have, not just as a single person but for when you’re in a relationship as well.

And besides, you can order all the foods and enjoy it yourself without having to share with the other person… most important point…

You could be in a relationship if you wanted to

And you know I’m right. You could download Tinder or Badoo or OkCupid, hit people up with some smooth pick up lines, go on a few dates and presto, suddenly you’re in a thing. Long or short term, the point is you’re in a thing.

But you’re not. You know why? Because you don’t want to be. Because you don’t want to lower your standards or make compromises because you know your self-worth. Better yet, you’re still trying to work it all out so until you do, you’re just going to stay single. And hey, that’s totally okay.

Relationships are HARD

And that’s the reality of it. We ALWAYS see the good parts of relationships, whether it’s in rom-coms, sitting in the theatre or at dinner next to a loved up couple or even when we’re at work and our co-workers give us the 4-1-1 on all the romantic things their partner’s done for them.

DON’T DESPAIR. Deep down you know it’s not all smooth sailing and it takes a lot to keep a relationship afloat. You gotta take the good with the bad. When you’re single, you’re investing your emotions and energy on yourself, your family and your friends and let’s be honest, sometimes that’s more than enough. So embrace your somewhat free time while you can because as soon as you get into a relationship, you know it’s going to take a lot out of you.

And just think about the time your best friend and their partner were fighting over something petty and then they tried to get you involved and you’re like HELL NO and then you bolt and then think to yourself “thank fuck i’m single”. Or the time you had to comfort your friend because their partner was out drinking and didn’t tell them and they’re currently experiencing trust issues? Yeah, just keep hold of that memory. Here’s a lil lol for you:

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Good things take time

This is applicable to so many things, not just relationships. It’s important that we don’t just settle for the sake of settling. It’s also important that we take the time to look at ways to get to know ourselves and love ourselves. Because it’s true what they say: how can you love and appreciate someone else when you can’t even love and appreciate yourself?

Take the time to cultivate and nourish yourself before you commit to cultivating and nourishing someone and something else.

So there you have it people – my no BS affirmation list for singletons. Hopefully you found it useful. Little reminders are so important! I know my single friends definitely need these reminders from time to time and it’s totally okay.

If you’ve got something else to add to the list, I encourage you to do so as I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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… cheese I know but dat accuracy dough…

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They’re definitely two of the hardest things

In the last month, I did two of what I consider the hardest, scariest things: one, I put my heart on the line and told a boy how I really felt rather than dismissed my feelings and running away from them and two, I let him go.

In my 27 years of life, I’ve never actually told a boy how I felt. I’m the type of person that doesn’t like feeling vulnerable and exposed. I like to give the façade that I’m unbreakable and strong, but deep down I’m a fucking marshmallow. Now dear reader, you know the truth.

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If you read my last post, you would’ve guessed that being sick made me realise that life is short and that I need to get my shit in order. One of the things I thought was to tell this boy the truth and let whatever happens, happen. It went well at the time… and then it didn’t a week later.

In the last month, I’ve been through a tumultuous rollercoaster ride of emotions. I’ve been very high, very low, very neutral and I never know what to expect when I wake up in the morning. While it may seem normal and exciting for us as humans to wake up and live for the unpredictability of life, it’s actually quite scary when you’re a bit of an emotional wreck like I’ve been lately. I’m not myself.

I knew that I was putting the poor boy through my emotional hell. And I couldn’t allow myself to leave my emotions in his hands because I was incapable of looking after it myself. Then I made the rash decision to end things. I walked away.

I walked away because I wasn’t doing him any favours and because I wasn’t doing myself any favours. It’s true what they say – how can you learn to love someone else when you can’t even love yourself?

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Walking away is hard because you don’t want to seem like you’ve given up but you also don’t want to be stuck in something that can’t go forward because you’re busy trying to keep it and your life afloat.

While I’ve spent the last few days allowing the reality of what I’ve done sink in and wondering whether or not I’ve made the right decision, ultimately I know I need to remind myself that I need to do what it takes to make sure I’m happy. While it hurts now, I’m proud of myself for doing these two things and owning them. I know it’ll get easier.

Right now, I need to give myself the time and effort I need to grow and be happy. And while I don’t believe in fate or destiny, I know that if things were meant to be, they’ll be. Now I’m signing out to go make some more important decisions… watch this space.

I will however leave you with this message:

Dear reader, never give up on yourself. You were destined for great things. If you’re going through a rough time, remember to give yourself the opportunity to show you that your life can be better and everything will be okay.

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The tale of online dating and I

In a previous post, I mentioned I’ve been single for about three years now.

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I guess that’s a while but I was seeing someone for about a year in that time. We weren’t ‘officially’ dating so I was technically still single but we weren’t seeing anyone else. I guess some people would debate that that means I wasn’t single the whole three years but I’m not going to go into the technical details of what’s considered ‘official’ and bla bla bla…

Before I met this gent, like most single adults, I decided to try online dating. I started off with a site called Badoo cause I was too chicken shit to try Tinder. Badoo is kinda like OkCupid but I was told AFTER I started using it that it’s for people who want nothing more than a shag.

Let’s get one thing clear – I wasn’t sure of what I was looking for. I just wanted to meet people and not be in anything serious. However, if it became serious then I would ride the wave and see what happens. I was just going to be open-minded about the whole experience.

Then I deleted my account and evolved to Tinder, where I made it a personal mission to hit 1,000 matches for lols. Tinder was one hell of an experience. I met so many people. It was interesting. I went on many dates and yes there were one night stands.

The meeting up part is always the hardest; particularly if you’re really getting along with them then you meet them and they’re not like you imagined them to be or they do things that sort of annoy you. Or if you’re shallow like me when it comes to height, they disappoint in that department by not being more than 5’10. I met this Irish dude and he was about my height. I’m a shortie at 5’2. Yes, I was disappointed. Even more disappointed when he was really boring too. I ended the date in 15 minutes.

You also meet some real characters. This guy told me a story he claimed “you would really enjoy” and it was about how he came home really drunk one night and passed out outside his bedroom door in his boxers and his stepdad had to wake him up and turns out his balls were hanging out. Firstly, why did he say I would enjoy this story and secondly, why did he whisper the word “balls”?! There was no need. It would’ve been a funny story if he were a bit more casual in the delivery department! I ended up making eye contact with this cutie at the bar and we smiled at each other and had a moment before I reminded myself I was on a disastrous date with a guy and needed to stop checking out other guys to compensate for lack of connection.

Then there was this other guy who told me I reminded him of his ex in terms of looks and personality. He said she was great (wonderful!) but she destroyed him and stomped on his heart (not so wonderful!). Then he said he was hungry but didn’t want to eat if I wasn’t eating. I’m sorry I ate before I left for the date given I thought we were going to just have coffee. In the midst of his hunger tantrum, I agreed to have a milkshake. I didn’t even want the fucking milkshake. Then he wanted to drive me home despite me saying, “no thanks, I’ll walk” many times. Anyways, he dropped me off a few houses down from my place and then turned off his engine as soon as we got there. Um excuse me? I told him I was tired and I was going to go straight to bed (I didn’t realise this excuse was far from believable until I saw the time: 8pm). He begrudgingly said it was okay and asked for a kiss. I said I’d rather not and I’ll see him next time. I waited for him to leave before I ran back home. I never saw him again. There are many more stories to share but I’m not going to bore you with them.

I’ve tried OkCupid as well. Haven’t met anyone on there. To be fair, I only go on when I’ve got messages. I recently downloaded Tinder again and I’m still trying to figure out why. The conversations I have are quite stagnant and to be honest, I’m not actually looking for anything. Not even a shag. Why you may ask? Well, I’ll save that for another post.

I had quite a relaxed, YOLO attitude towards meeting people in person. I wanted to give them a chance and more often than not, I would leave disappointed. What was I doing wrong? Is there a process I should be following to ensure success? I mean I’m a pretty chilled and open-minded person! If you don’t believe me, look:

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Only a chilled, open-minded person would pose like that in front of a cow sign.

Anyways, I was so, so close to giving up when I actually met someone.

I’m not here to rubbish the experience I had with online dating. I actually met some incredible people as well – some who I consider friends and still talk to and some I couldn’t be with because of circumstances (yes I did fall for about three guys in my time of online dating). While it may seem like there’s a hell of a lot of people on these platforms wanting to ‘score’, there are definitely people on there who are genuinely looking for connection and well, love. I met quite a few blokes that actually wanted a relationship… but I didn’t. Well, not with them anyways.

While online dating is hard and can leave you with plenty of horror stories to share, I think singles should definitely give it a go. It’s an interesting experience and sometimes you do find a diamond amongst all the rocks. I’ve yet to find a diamond but then it’s not like I’m trying to find a diamond. In fact, I’m saving Tinder for when I go to the UK in hopes of finding a rock star OR a Scandinavian Norse God that’s 8-foot god knows. Yes, my expectations are realistic 😛

For now, my love life looks a little bit like this:

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And that’s totally okay!

Got any dating horror stories to share? I’d love to hear them!

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For those of you who are wondering, yes I did reach my 1,000 matches goal. I actually screenshotted it so I could send it to my mate to prove to him I could do it. What a retard.

 

It’s going to be okay

Hey kid,

It’s going to be okay. You’re worried about never finding a boyfriend. Guess what: you do. You’re worried about disappointing your parents by deciding to leave uni cause you’re not happy. They’re not disappointed. You’re mad because you spend monies on dumb things. Bad news: you still do.

I know it seems like life feels completely and utterly hopeless right now because you’re stuck in a ‘set room’ with a shitty roommate, you don’t have many friends, your family’s far away, you’re lost and confused because you want to study everything and nothing and worst of all, you’re still a virgin at 18. But remember last summer? Fish and chips, lying on all the grass in New Plymouth, driving missions, hanging out at beaches and Rihanna’s ‘Please don’t stop the music’? It was the best summer ever – hold on to those memories because they’ll help get you through the rough.

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Right now, you’re probably thinking about Lachie down the hall and how your floor mates thought it’d be funny to lock you in his room that night. He was so nice to you! Should’ve just kissed him. But you didn’t and that’s okay (unfortunately, you two don’t end up together. Weirdly enough, you still think about him but very occasionally. I’m still trying to work out why you do).

Let me tell you about your future. You’re going to go through so many emotions in the coming months – both good and bad. You’re going to test your friendship with an old workmate and I’m sorry to say, you’re going to disappoint her. Not once, but twice. And worst of all, over a boy. Actually, two boys. It’s okay, you eventually learn your lesson.

Right now, you feel like you’re always going to be one of the boys and die a virgin with 60 million cats. But you’re not (well the 60 million cats is still up for debate). You’re going to get noticed. In fact, the big v-plate ends with one of your best friends. You’re also going to think you love him. This is when you realise that with intimacy, comes a lot of confusion.

You’re also going to trust too easily and it’s gonna take one boy to destroy your trust. Oh, plus your low self-esteem. I’m sorry to say you’re going to carry your distrust into other relationships and it’s going to take the most patient man to tolerate you. You’re going to have to work really hard to be better at trust.

You’re going to go on a rampage where you think it’s okay to hurt other boys because you’ve been hurt. You’re going to pretend like you don’t care and you’re going to give yourself freely because you like feeling like you’re in control. You know how you’re always afraid of rejection so you don’t do anything about it and you admire people that pour their heart out and think people that reject others are fuckwits? Guess what, you become somewhat of a fuckwit.

You’ll trample on boys’ feelings when they take the leap and tell you how they feel because it’s easier for you to not care. You’re going to be the master of ‘ghosting’. Then, the tables will turn and you’ll meet someone who gives you the world and treats you the way you deserve. But because you don’t trust anyone, even yourself, you’re going to hurt him and you’re going to fuck things up. You’re going to realise what you’ve done and you’re going to go through a lot of pain. I’m sorry but there’s no going back on that one.

But it’s not all that bad. You’re going to grow closer to your family (unfortunately, you’re going to continue relying on Father). You get a proper job and you’re good at it. You’re going to wake up and learn to love yourself. You’re going to enjoy your own company and you’re going to concentrate on being a better you. And yes, you’re working really, really hard to trust again. You’re still battling confidence but you’re working towards improving it. You really are so you should be proud. The only thing you should be disappointed about is the fact that you’re still shit when it comes to money and saving.

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Remember that when the going gets tough, you get tougher. You’ve experienced and learnt so much and you survived. You’re a survivor. Don’t be afraid of what’s to come because despite all the shit, you’ve done so much good and you’re continuing to do good for yourself, your family, your friends and your future. And when you feel alone, you need to remember you’re never alone.

I promise you kid it’s going to be okay. Everything keeps getting better. So don’t be afraid. Smile.

xoxo Future you

p.s. bitch, can’t believe you cried when you turned 18. you’re now on the wrong end of 20, wishing you could go back.

p.p.s. you’re still trying to replicate summer 2007 because every summer since just can’t seem to beat it. good luck!

photo credit: the lovely dawnchapmanphoto (yes I’m her back model). check out her stuffs yo!

A story about a girl and two(ish) boys

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Warning. This is not a happy story with a happy ending. I just thought I’d share with you what love is to me and when I say love, I mean that feeling you get when a girl meets a boy and yeah… not the family/friend/pet love that we all know and well, love.

When I was younger, I was convinced I was going to meet a boy (yes, one boy) who was going to sweep me off my feet and we were going to get married, live in a penthouse apartment, be a power couple forever and then die. Lol, forever and die in the same sentence. Reminds me of this henna stall at a festival that had a sign that read “temporary tattoos that last forever”. Anyways, yes my dream ends morbidly but such is life.

Anyways, I did meet a boy, I did think we were going to get married, he cheated on me, I didn’t cry and I forgave him, I spent three and a half years with him, realised I wasn’t happy and the last thing I wanted to do was marry a deceitful, cheating bastard, decided I deserved better from him and the life we had and then dumped him. Actually, this thing I found on the Facebook page Word Porn sums up the situation in the end:

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The sad part of my first relationship was realising that the real reason why I forgave him for cheating was because I didn’t think I could do better or find someone else who was going to love me. So I accepted the love I thought I deserved. It was a sad reality but I’m proud of myself for realising that that’s not the case at all and I deserve better.

After that relationship, I had a fantastic five-ish months of singledom then boom, I was in another relationship. Did I think I was going to marry this guy? Nah, but I was willing to give it a go. In a year and a half, we drank, got high, went out, moved down to Wellington together then I grew up. Unfortunately, he didn’t. It took me a while to end things because I was consumed by guilt since he came to Wellington because of me. But things weren’t getting any better… So I dumped him.

Three years later and I’m still single.

So my childhood dream of meeting a boy and everything ending up perfectly didn’t come true but I realised it’s totally okay. One of the fundamental things I’ve learnt from my two ‘failed’ relationships is that you need to love yourself before you can learn to love others. Oh, and there is such a thing as ‘finding yourself’ before deciding to settle.

Am I disappointed that I gave myself fully to two people and it didn’t work? Hell no. The thing is, I don’t regret the relationships I’ve had in my life because they actually made me stronger. Whether you want to admit it or not, it’s the experiences gained from being in crappy relationships that make you realise who you are, what you deserve and what you won’t tolerate. I tolerated cheating and I think cheating is the best example of disrespect.

So what did I learn about love and what does it mean to me? Cliché but love really is about respecting one another and respecting yourself. It’s about admiring one another and wanting to be better for them and for you.

Now in these three years of singledom, I’ve had some pretty interesting experiences with dating… but that’s for another blog post.

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So tell me, what is love to you?

Photo credit: dawnchapmanphoto. Seriously, check out her work. She’s fantastic!